What you should know if you want to survive in a horror movie

October 26, 2008

# 1. If you think you already killed the Monster, don’t you ever come close to make sure the evil is really dead.

# 2. If you are trying to escape from the Monster, be ready to fall at least twice ( if more you are a girl ). Just for the record: in spite of that you run as fast as you can and the Monster is moving very slowly, it still moves fast enough to reach you.

# 3. If you are haunted by something evil, remember that the car will not start at once, you’ll need to try several times, even if the car is new, and if it never failed before.

# 4. If you are fighting against evil with a gun, make sure that you got some extra bullets, because you’ll certainly be out of them just at the moment you are ready to kill the monster or the bad guy.

# 5. Never, ever read out loud a conjuration to call demons, even if that’s a joke.

# 6. You’d better be aware of the puzzles that open the gate to hell. Don’t try to solve one.

# 7. If your kids speak Latin to you, or any other language they shouldn’t know, they don’t sound like themselves, shoot them immediately. That will be the best way out. Please note: just one bullet may not be enough, be ready for it.

# 8. Ask why this house is so cheap.

# 9. If you found out your house was built on the ancient cemetery or close to it, or used to be a church where the Black Masses were held, if people who lived there before you committed suicide, or went out of mind, or suffered some tragic death (no matter what kind of death), you should move immediately.

# 10. If you hear weird noise and then figure out it was just your cat, run away immediately, if you want to survive.

# 11. If you come inside a local church and see the crucifix hung upside down, just turn around quietly, and walk away.

# 12. If your blender or any other piece of household appliances switches on by itself, just leave the place and move! Give up everything and move!

# 13. Don’t go down to the basement.

# 14. Never come close to any grave, or crypt.

# 15. Don’t laugh at dead people or zombies, and leave them alone.

# 16. If you have company, don’t stay alone or walk around by yourself.

# 17. If your friends are going out of town to have a party and everyone but you has a couple, don’t join the company. Be smart and stay home.

# 18. If your friends start acting weirdly, if they start hissing for no reason, howling, running around spitting, or trying to bite anyone, just get out of there as fast and as far as you can.

# 19. If you come to unknown town and there’s nobody around, the streets are empty, maybe there is some reason for it. Did you get a hint? Go away!

# 20. If you ran out of gas in an unknown place, don’t knock to a strange house asking for help or looking for a phone.

# 21. Remember that usually the sheriff in a small town is evil, or cooperates with maniacs.

# 22. Don’t get into genetic engineering if you don’t know exactly what issues you want to get.

# 23. Keep aware of certain places, like Elm Street, Transylvania, Bermudas… etc.

# 24. Be aware of strangers, especially if they are holding a chain-saw, scissors of any kind, a rock breaker, a loan mower, or any other equipment that can be dangerous and can cause your death.

# 25. If you are a woman don’t get naked. You are safe until you start putting your clothes off, the maniacs kill only naked or half-naked young girls.

# 26. While you are in the movie, don’t take shower, especially if there’s no one else at home.

# 27. If the phone doesn’t work and you know for sure you’re home alone, and you hear someone walking upstairs, just GET OUT OF THERE, don’t go to find out who could that be. Of course, if you are not going to commit suicide

# 28. If you are lucky and you survived, don’t agree to appear in the sequel movie, or get ready to die in first 5 minutes of the action.

# 29. If you noticed that people around have changed recently and probably aliens or evil spirits have seized them or their souls, don’t call the Police, because: A. They are affected by the Evil as well and you will get right in their hands. B. They will not believe you and will definitely laugh at you. So you’ll have to deal with it by yourself.

# 30. If creatures like birds, snakes, spiders or piranhas start acting a little aggressive towards humans, make a report to the government and leave the place and get out, don’t even try to ask scientists for help, they won’t believe you.

# 31. If you have landed on an unknown planet and found something that looks like eggs, don’t touch them.

# 32. Don’t you ever go THERE!! (“There” means dark basement, dark storage area, dark park, dark anything).

# 33. If you somehow lose one or several parts of your body, don’t be upset. You can easily replace them with a chain-saw or any other weapon.

# 34. If a zombie injured you, there’s no chance for you to survive, no matter how much antidote did you take. Sooner or later you’ll become one of THEM.

# 35. You’d better believe; those who don’t do so usually die.

# 36. You can predict everything that can possibly happen, except what will really happen.

# 37. People, who want revenge usually die.

# 38. Don’t feel guilty.

# 39. If you threw away something that belonged to you (if it was an old doll or a dummy ), and it suddenly appear at home again, leave the country at once. The thing will definitely go with you in your car.

# 40. If you are a bird, CONGRATULATIONS! In the end of the movie only you and other birds will sing songs happily.

# 41. If dogs, cats or other animals start behaving weirdly in presence of someone, try to avoid dealing with him, it does not matter if that person is your kid/husband/wife/friend.

# 42. Don’t drive away from the Interstate to some small unknown road.

# 43. When a maniac starts telling you slowly what is he going to do with you- that’s the right moment to escape!

# 44. Never offend or bully invisible and quiet boys and girls at school.

# 45. Don’t bully anybody at all. They will definitely become maniacs or will have some super powers.

# 46. If you ask your husband to find out the origin of the weird noise in the basement and he’s not back in 5 minutes, don’t go after him. He’s already dead.

# 47. If you are blond and find at home any kind of long black hair, be sure the place is cursed, the only one way out is to burn the house immediately. But it doest’n protect you from horrible death or going out of your mind.

# 48. Entering the dark room, at least TRY to turn on the light.

# 49. OR.. entering the dark room, DON’T turn on the light, put on something black and be quiet.


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