Top 10 Ways To Discipline A Pet… Based On Human Parenting.

October 29, 2008

Having a pet is a wonderful experience. I myself own two and I love them dearly. But let’s be honest. Pets can be assholes. But they’re just that, pets and they should be kept in check.

I learned a lot from my parents, and though I don’t have children of my own, how to discipline a child is something that’s familiar to me. That same knowledge can certainly be applied to disciplining your dog.

1. Timeout

If there is one form of discipline I hated more as a kid, I don’t know what it was. Being forced to sit still for any length of time was a thing of nightmares. And forget about entertainment, time outs were designed to make you suffer. If you use this to your advantage when reprimanding your dog, you’ll soon be jumping for joy at the good manners he’ll be showing. Why? Because sitting still for even 3 seconds for a dog that isn’t sleeping is next to impossible.

2. Chores

Ah, doing chores… my Mother’s favorite form of punishment for me. Why? Because I had to do something that sucked, and she got out of doing something that sucked. Vacuuming the house and doing the dishes were two popular activities my mother made me perform. You might have trouble getting your dog to go anywhere near the vacuum, and you certainly don’t want all that hair in the sink. I suggest simpler chores like fetching the paper, taking out the garbage, and taking themselves for a walk.

3. Stern Lectures

My dad was the king of stern lectures. Why? Because life was a bitch back in his day and I didn’t know just how good I had it. Well, neither does your dog. Let him know all about it! Tell him about how your boss is a jerk, and how bad your feet hurt. Mock how he sleeps all day while you sit at a desk and crunch numbers or how you sweat all day lifting heavy stuff. He doesn’t know of lucky he is, but he will after this!

4. Obedience School

Perhaps a last straw for some parents; boarding school or military academies will certainly straighten out a problem child quick, fast, and in a hurry. The same will certainly work if you send your dog off to obedience school. He’ll be away from all of his friends, have to eat terrible cafeteria food, and won’t have access to his favorite toys. He’ll come back with a diploma, new attitude, and his tail between his legs. And you’ll have the little angel you’ve always wanted, one that won’t piss on the carpet everyday.

5. Give Them A Bath

As a kid it was our eternal goal to: 1.) Have as much fun as possible & 2.) Get as dirty as we could while we did it. Our parents on the other hand saw fit to constantly have us clean and gave us bathes once and sometimes even twice a day. To a dog, a bath is like kryptonite, and you’re gonna be his Lex Luthor. Fill up the tub, throw in some bubbles, grab some towels and get ready for some work. Because though it won’t be fun for you, it’ll be even less fun for him.

6. Degrading Talk

“You can’t do that.” “You’re lazy.” “You’re friends are stupid.” Leave it up to parents to say things to us that we hold onto our entire lives. Dads especially have skill that is unsurpassed at making us feel like dipshits. Well, the world has come full circle, and now your child is sitting there on the couch with half of your sandwich left on the plate. It’s okay, call him a fat ass good-for-nothing. He ate your sandwich, and he deserves it. All he does is lay around all day anyway. Fatty fat fat.

7. Force Them to Watch TV With You

Good Lord I hated watching TV with my parents. It wasn’t that they were bad people, it’s just that they had the worst taste in entertainment ever. If it wasn’t the news, it was something in black and white, or a western. Guess who else won’t like it, your pet. Pick out something especially boring for added effect. Some dogs actually enjoy Animal Planet and Disney, at least mine do. Try out something along the lines of any show on The Home Shopping Network, he’ll be begging for your forgiveness in no time flat.

8. Make Them Wear Silly Outfits

Oh man, if only I had pics I could post of some of the stuff my mom made me wear when I was a kid. Let me help you get the picture, imagine the nerdiest kid ever. Multiply that kid by the geekiest kid ever. Now, add to that a big dose of wacky colors and turtlenecks and you have me as a kid. If your pet has been acting up, there’s few better ways to take him down a peg or two than by dressing him up in a stupid outfit. Hey, Halloween is right around the corner, so if anyone asks at least you have an excuse.

9. Embarrass Them In Front of Their Friends

This tried and true method might take place at school, home, or at a sporting event. For me, more often than not this took place at home, while playing a sport, with friends from school. So, I had the trifecta thrown down on my head. Generally it took the form of my dad playing sports with me and my buds, and since he was bigger and meaner than all of us, he made me look like that PC guy from the Macintosh commercials playing against Shaquille O’Neal. Apply this same aggression to embarrass your pet infront of other pets by calling him a cat or something. This is especially easy if you own a dachshund.

10. Make Him Play With Someone He Doesn’t Like

My mom is an angel, she really is. But, like all angels, she has a soft spot for the oddball kids in this world. You know the type. The one who picked his nose and ate it while he played with his sister’s easy bake oven. Well, my mom, being the angel that she was, never wanted that kid to play alone. So, she set up playdates for me to go over to his house or vice versa. Goodtimes were had by nobody. If your pet is being especially stupid, maybe he should go play with the neighbor’s dog that’s always licking it’s balls. Or a goat. He’ll wise up, and get his shit together.


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